Legend holds that the angel Gabriel, no less, once touted revered religious figure Muhammad on a dark, acidic mixture that the founder of Islam found refreshing and energizing. Some 16 centuries-and 40,000 Starbucks franchises-later, it seems safe to conclude that the drink has somewhat caught on.
Consider that about 360 Million pounds of coffee beans were converted to liquid and consumed worldwide last year, with some $300 million spent daily in America on the popular stimulation-fix. Not even (snobbish?) tea-centric societies stand immune to its addictive allure, as British writer T.S. Elliot once claimed that his very life could be “measured by spoonfuls of coffee.”
While it is not known what health benefits the beverage might have bestowed on either the poet or the prophet, studies indicate that coffee can boost brain function, prevent diabetes, forestall heart disease, and even lower the risk of Alzheimer’s. Which puts me not only at the mercy of some debilitating afflictions-but also in soul-risking defiance of heaven’s winged messenger, because I’ve never imbibed more than two sips of the stuff. Furthermore, if they’re sitting around on clouds up there devotedly slurping cups of “Joe,” I’d rather spend eternity someplace where the official beverage is Pepsi or (diet cherry) Dr. Pepper-even if that alternative locale tends to get a bit, er, ah, toasty.
Allow me to make it even more clear: I HATE COFFEE. And not one bit less than George Takei (Oh MMMYYYYY!) despises William Shatner (I’m guessing the good Captain stole one too many lines from his faithful navigator.) Or Smokey the Bear detests matches. So How, you may wonder, can a person muster such animus for a concoction that over a billion people start their days with-and swear by? Might as well resent oxygen, right?
Glad you asked. And for those who have considered this column on some weeks a crochety rant venting personal frustrations too trivial to merit platforming, I don’t completely disagree. But I’ve waited most of a lifetime to sling spoons and (brown-stained) saucers at an addiction I have NEVER understood. So, here goes…with the Top Ten (Letterman should no doubt have succeeded Johnny Carson.) reasons that me and coffee just do not mix:
10) Hot chocolate tastes better… And who wants marshmallows in a cup of Folgers?
9) It doesn’t quench your thirst…Your body absorbs cold drinks faster. Do you think people lost in the desert see mirages of steaming Maxwell House?
8) If it’s so great, why does it need cream and sugar?… Reluctant props to the 20% of coffee drinkers who take theirs black-a subset in steep decline, which proves, I guess, that fewer and fewer of the addicted are pretending to actually LIKE that obnoxious flavor.
7) I don’t WANT to “putz” around (and, God forbid, work crossword puzzles) upon arising-or do anything else associated, as is coffee drinking, with the morning hours. As a matter of fact, had school started at, oh, let’s say 2:00 p.m. , I might actually have gotten through the 10th grade.
6) Ever stood in the crosshairs of coffee-breath?… The average Zombie would smell better after binging in the prep room at Arner’s.
5) Mocha..latte..espresso…Are they trying to confuse me or sell me a beverage?
4) My parents literally subsisted on it… Enough said.
3) Inextricably linked with cigarettes… Almost 9 out of 10 smokers consume coffee on a regular basis. And if there is ANYthing I dislike more than java….
2) Too conformist for my taste…Which is another way of saying that folks on my intellectual level usually stick to sippy cups and juice boxes.
1) Let that harp jockey tell me HIMSELF to brew some up.
And now-on the topic of H2O….
Sent from Outlook
