by Mark Patterson
Lifelong misers going charitable overnight, bumbling, big-hearted dads striving for a Norman Rockwell Christmas, department store Santas who are actually the real sleigh-jockey…three short summaries of holiday films pushed by cable tv as “beloved” fixtures in our yuletide firmament.
Sweet. My family watches A Christmas Carol (the one with George C. Scott, of course), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, and Miracle on 34th Street every year. Saccharine sells during this season-just not on the same scale as cynicism or gore. Now we’re talking BOX OFFICE, baby.
Consider that SEVEN of the top ten grossing holiday film franchises subvert any semblance of Christmas cheer by burrowing straight to the dark soul and disillusionment of the season. With a dull candy cane. Unless the likes of Die Hard (Yes, I DO classify it as a “Christmas” movie), Bad Santa (Could somebody PLEASE put some pants on that fat kid?), and Home Alone (sadism passes as PG via the trojan horse of a child actor so beguiling that it’s creepy) ever inspired ANYBODY to go wassailing, or donate canned goods.
So, if you like your Christmas flicks with no sap -and couldn’t STAND one more opinion on whether It’s a Wonderful Life really merits such hallowedstatus (it doesn’t)- here are a few with all heart removed-and the cavity stuffed with coal:
- Better Watch Out (2016): For the first 20 minutes, you’ll think you’re watching another “resourceful kids step up to thwart the bad guys” snoozer. Stay seated and thank me later. (The following synopsis DOES include spoilers)..A standard-issue teen babysitter thinks she’s defending her (hormonally awakened) charge but instead finds apparent home invasion was a ruse staged (unsuccessfully) to scare her into clingy “compliance” with the 12-year-old’s cringe-inducing advances. For her (I’m guessing) half-a-hundred, high school Barbie gets bound, gagged, brained with a brick (while crawling for help from nearby carolers, who seem in fine voice, by the way), and knifed in the neck. She gets off easy, though, compared to her two male acquaintances that make the merry scene, one of whom, our future serial killer (and his nerdy pal) lynch from a backyard swing set. The other? Well, does anything say Christmas quite like an innocent skull splattered by an exploding can of Sherwin Williams semi-gloss? (I daydreamt through second grade art class, but blue and red mixed together make purple, right?)
- Rare Exports (2010) This Finnish fantasy/horror film has to rank as, if nothing else, THE weirdest Christmas movie ever. Slaughtered reindeer, a horned Santa encased in ice, COMPLETELY nude old (OLD) men (actually, elves) running murderously amuck through Norwegian snowscapes-now, WHAT could pair better with some hot chocolate and cuddling? Invite your friends and break out those flannel pjs! Rotten Tomatoes praises this monstrosity as a “clever Santa Clause origin story” and assigns a score of 90. That’s just one point lower than The Shawshank Redemption. OOOOOK.
- Violent Night (2022) Think Bad Santa meets Thor. After a fairly standard Santa’s- last -ride opening, livened up by projectile vomiting , the jaded elf encounters terrorists and feels renewed faith-in his ability to kill and maim. Somehow, slaying home intruders with decorative icicles, strings of lights, and candy canes-every Christmas accoutrement imaginable- convinces ole Nick that he’s still the right guy to distribute peace and love. I can dig it. Who wants a submissive Santa scooting up and down their chimney? Pre-order your tickets right now, kids, for the sequel that comes out soon.
- Krampus (2015) Don’t EVER tell St. Nick to shove it, lest he dispatch his demonic counterpart-hairy, hooves, horns, and all-to mete out QUITE the Christmas “lesson.” The first harbinger will be an ominous winter wind, soon proceeded by piling snow. And when your sister dies horribly at the hands of a demented jack-in-the-box, while whimpering for mercy from under a stranded car, well, you’re in for a rough night, because, believe me, Krampus don’t play. Not even sweet, doting grannie, whose gently dispensed wisdom and virtue signaling Polish (?) accent make her the absolute ARCHTYPE of unkillable characters, can bake gooey cookies fast enough to stay those slashing claws. Extra kudos to this one for not betraying the ultra-bleak tone with some obligatorily upbeat ending. While the title character stems from Euro legend about Santa’s devilish “co-worker” who tags along to give naughty-listers their comeuppance, I like to think they are actually the same guy. Call me romantic.
